Battle of the Nerds
by Lord Fluffs-a-lot
Summary: Tohru Honda is an employer at the most craziest company ever, not to mention being a bit phsyco herself. WHAAAH!
1. Blame it all on Elmo

**Hi!!!! OMG, I am SOOOO sorry about what happened to **_**A Tainted Spider's Web**_**!!! I was kicked off of the computer for FOREVER and when I finally got on...I, um, sort of, ya know, virus kind of thing. Heh. Well, anyway, I'm sure that ya'll think I'm mentally retarded cuz yeah yeah, AKITO'S A FRIGGIN GIRL. breaths in relief Now that that's out of the way, I have also come to warned you of, um, Tohru's **_**specialness. **_**(coughocccough) P.S, watch out for crossovers! And yes yes, this is probably going to be that shortest chapter that you've ever seen, but I PROMISE it'll be longer. And if it's not, you can tazor me. Or...nervously eyes the tazors that angry readers hold up...spitballs work just as well.**

**ty- anime bored eyes She's gone mad.**

**gk- SHUT UP! smacks ty upside the head**

**ty- swirly eyes**

OoOOoO

"TTTTTOOOOOHHHHRRRRUUUUU!!!!!!!"

Tohru Honda poked her head over the top of her cubical wall and looked around, an innocent look written all over her face. Smoothing down her black pencil skirt, she stepped off of her desk and fell back on her hot pink fluffy chair.

"Hm. Must of been those Dunkin Donuts talking to me again," she wheezed, patting her stomach through her white business shirt.

She worked on the 30th floor of the Sohma Computer Company, mostly a family owned business that specialized in all that boring computer stuff.

Ya know, the usual boring business thing.

But recently, because of a decline in the number of computer nerds, she was hired for technical support along with a number of other ner- I mean, people.

Kagura Sohma, the short-haired girl that worked next to her, whistled nervously, her eyes never leaving her computer screen as she typed away furiously.

"Oh boy, you're getting it now." she breathed silently.

Kyo Sohma stalked into Tohru's cubical fuming in rage, a laptop in his left hand.

"Why, hello Kyo-kun. How may I be of assistance to you today?" she replied sweetly, cocking her head in his direction.

"Don't Kyo-kun me, you little devil! Care to explain _this_?" He flipped the cover of his laptop and reveled a little chibie Shigure mooning the screen, a huge stupid grin on his face.

Tohru blinked in fake surprise, feigning a clueless expression as Kyo angrily continued on.

"YOU sent me the stupid foreword from Shigure! YOU friggin' _knew_ it had a friggin' virus, and now my poor baby internet is running like dial-up!" he screamed.

She nodded in agreement at the obvious computer nerd.

"Yes yes. We both agree that dial-up sucks balls. Well Kyo-kun. Can't go wireless forever! Hee-hee."

"FIX IT!"

"What?! That job belongs to a computer nerd, a.k.a., Kyo-kun!!"

"First of all, stop calling me that stupid name! Second of all, I am not a computer nerd!" he tartly replied, pushing his inch-thick Harry Potter glasses up his nose.

"Oh, I'm very sorry. If not a nerd, then a geek!"

At that moment, Kyo was abruptly pulled back by his collar and thrown to the ground, knocking over cubical after cubical like a domino effect in a flurry of papers and other various office supplies until all 52 were flattened except for Tohru's. This was almost a daily occurrence, so she was smart enough to super-glue her walls together. Most of the other's working on that floor were either:

flattened under (a) cubical wall(s)

pressed against the wall in horror

out for donuts so they were safe

"I'm very sorry for my cousin's rude behavior, Tohru-kun." Yuki brushed off his hands on his jeans, glaring scornfully at Kyo who was now passed out and drooling on his shirt.

"Eh, thanks Yun-yun." She grinned, relieved that she wouldn't have to argue with Kyo and, in the process, wasting her oh-so-precious lunch break which she needed to think/plot up for new schemes.

Evil schemes, to be exact.

Yuki blushed scarlet and nodded, dragging Kyo's unconscious body to the elevator, passed the people pressed against the wall in horror.

Tohru sighed and spun around in her chair so that she faced her computer again. She had almost felt sorry that she had forwarded Shigure's virus to Yuki's computer.

Almost, but not quite.

"All right! Back to work!" She stuck a determined look on her face and turned the monitor on. "Let's see..." Tohru picked up a wooden clipboard from one of her desk drawers, "I've infected Momiji's, Kisa's, Itachi's...oh! Akii-san's computer is untouched! Maybe I should send him a little 'friendly' email..."

Akito Sohma (Akii-san) was the company's young boss. Not many have seen him, and if you ever get a call to his office...

...you had better say your prayers.

Only Hatori works for him personally, and even he's taking therapy.

But, being as young and "innocent" as she is, Tohru hadn't yet experienced the burning rage of THE AKITO! MUAHAHAHA...(ahem)

Anyway, Tohru, oblivious to the fact that she hadn't started her paperwork yet, set to work on that "friendly" email.

After about 20 minutes, she yawned and stretched her fingers, doing some kind of yoga move with her hands.

"HAH! I'm finished! Can't wait till he opens this one, my best creation yet! KUKUKUKUKU!! It's ALIVE!" she cackled, doing her best "evil Naraku" laugh.

Hastily, she pressed "Send".

OoOOoO

Akito rubbed the bridge of his nose, trying to relieve the migraine that had threatened to explode his brains every 3.789 minutes.

And, as everybody knows, his under-paid maid/servant/slave (Hatori of course) wouldn't have been very pleased with exploded brains everywhere. Akito didn't want to have to bother with explaining to Hatori why exploded brains were everywhere because it would just give him _another_ migraine.

Well, actually, he'd be dead, which would be just another _another_ migraine.

Damn dumb luck.

"_You've got mail!"_

His attention was immediately diverted to his flat screened black Dell computer and raised his black, thin eyebrows.

Oh, and did I mention that he was wearing a black turtle neck and black pants? And he owned a black goldfish (now currently a blackfish) named "Fluffly-sama" in a black tainted fish bowl.

(coughemocough)

Well, having nothing better to do, Akito opened the email just so the _"You've got mail!" _voice would shut up.

"_Hey, this is anonymous, so if you're trying to figure out who sent you this, forget about it. Anyway, I've heard rumors that you're currently under a lot of stress and that you're probably that most feared creature in this entire building, next to KIkyou and Kagura that is. You should think about firing them one day. Stalking should NOT be valid in this company..._

_...but that's beside the point. I've created a nice, beautiful 'Find 10 Differences' scene. Who knows, maybe you'll turn out to be nice enough to take Hatori-san out of therapy and get him his own personal therapist! _

_Enjoy!_"

Akito snorted and quickly glanced at the sender.

FROM: Tohru, he mentally sneered as her opened up the attached file. In it was a serene picture of a mountain valley and a tiny village off to the corner. At the bottom was a copy of the same picture. He crinkled his nose and leaned in to the screen.

_The fuck. They're both the same. How does she expect me to-_

"BLEAGHIFTHEAAAACK!!!!"

A huge, ugly picture of a close-up Elmo with bleeding eyes and rotten skin suddenly started flashing widely, a horrendous noise filling the large, empty office space. Akito screamed and kicked back out of shock as his leather chair tipped back and landed on the carpet with a loud thud that could be heard under all 39 floors beneath him.

As Elmo left, the two pictures popped up again, calming down the situation. He grabbed the edge of his desk to steady himself and wheezed breathlessly, his pupils dilated.

"_You've caught spy ware!"_

"TTTTTOOOOOHHHHRRRRUUUUU!!!!!!!"

OoOOoO

**Ngh, I'm in kind of a hurry, so I'm gonna end it with a cliffy for now. Well, anyway, I've gotten a couple of emails like the one that Tohru sent to poor Akii-san AND I FALL FOR IT EVERY TIME. OMG, those things always scare me to hell and back. Ugh. sudders Well, they **_**will**_** meet in the next chapter! Oh, and did you see Itachi? He seriously is one of my favorite **_**Naruto**_** characters! Along with Kakashi and Gaara, of course! So, until we meet again, sayonara, beloved akito/tohru fans!**


	2. The Abduction

**OMG, I'm so excited! I was able to sneak the computer into my room and I was able to type up the 2 chapter to Battle of the Nerds! Yayness! Oh, and did you notice that I've changed my user name? I mean, some of you probably don't care, but I just said so anyway...**

**...and yes, Akii-san's a guy in this one. Sorry all you gay fans out there! **

OoOOoO

Ring.

Tohru glanced up from the paper she was typing and ignored the ringing on her office phone which she had thoroughly decorated with Hello Kitty stickers.

Ring.

_How'd he find out? _She had some idea of what the phone call was for and she quickly opened up her email account and checked her "Outbox".

FROM: grabbed the phone and started to think of all the good points of being a hobo on the street selling god-knows-what.

"Tohru Honda speaking. How may I help you?"

_"Tohru, Akito Sohma wants you in is office now." _Hatori's deep and somewhat overstressed voice spoke the words slowly, as if prolonging her death sentence.

"N-now? I've got a paper to finish and I've got about a million other lines on the phone and-"

_"Now as meaning now now."_

"Are you sure it's me? I mean, this could be Kagura that you're speaking t-"

_"Now."_ Tohru cringed as he hung up, listening to the loud _beeeeeeeep._ She turned to Kagura who was trying, in vain, to set up her cubical, and gave a small salute. Kagura looked up with tears in her eyes.

"Sayonara, office buddy," she whispered to herself as she watched in awe as Tohru made her way past angry workers and to the elevator.

She pressed on the 40th floor and took in a deep breath. This was NOT her day. Karma was defiantly against her today.

OoOOoO

"Hello Tohru. Please have a seat." Akito gestured to a small leather seat from across his desk and smiled, a bit too friendly for comfort. Tohru was too busy staring at the whole emptiness of his office to notice, and when she did, she grinned and plopped down happily.

Akito took a mental note to ask her whether or not she was taking drugs, being all happy-go-lucky around him and all. After about a few seconds of awkward silence, he cleared his throat and drummed his fingers on the desk.

"As a valued employee at this company, you and I both know that I can't fire you because of the amount of money we would lose, although I so desperately want to. So, as an alternative punishment, I have thought up of another position that you will be working on."

Tohru stared bug-eyed at her boss.

"WHAT?! No way! I can't just leave what I'm doing now! That'll take too much effort on m-"

"Too bad. From now on, you'll have to take a position as my personal secretary so I can keep an eye on you."

"Oh yeah? Well I quit!" she shot back sticking out her tongue.

"Have fun trying to find another decent job here in Tokyo. I'll visit the homeless shelter every now and then to make sure that you haven't died of malnourishment," Akito sneered, enjoying the panicked look in her eyes, trying to look for an escape.

"Ugh! Fine, I'm sorry for sending you that email and I'll never send you one again. Happy?" 

"No. And I'm still not changing my mind."

Tohru scowled at his face and wrinkled her nose in annoyance as Akito fingered the edge of his desk his chin resting on the palm of his other hand. Being a slave for a sadistic bastard was so not on her "When I grow up, I wanna be..." list that she kept hung up on her fridge.

_Hm. Maybe it is time for me to be a mermaid then...or not. Man, how do I always get myseslf stuck in these situations?!_

"Go."

Tohru's thought bubble immediately popped and she peek out from between her fingers.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

Aktio scowled back with as much conviction and pointed to the clock hanging over the wall behind her. She spun around and stared at it blankly, still not understanding.

"Duh. Your work period is over. Get out of here before I throw up because of your presence. It sickens me," he groan spinning around in his chair so that he faced away from her. Tohru blinked and, finally understanding, sighed loudly in relief and dropped something on the floor as she stood up tall and saluted before marching out, whistling to the traditional funeral tune.

Once outside, Tohru giggled happily as she stretched out her arms, finally out of the "lion's liar". she nodded to Hatori who started wide-eyed at her.

"He didn't physically hurt you?"

"No. Is that legal?" she mused, not very surprised at the scared tone in his voice.

"I mean, did he take out his tazor on you?"

"Tazor?" She twitched and immediately drooped. _Oh great. Now Mr. Jerk-who-can't-take-even-take-a-joke has a real weapon. Anything else that could hasten up the next Apocalypse? Maybe seeing Yuki in a pink tutu..._she shivered at the very thought. "Have you ever been ... tazored ... before?"

"Many many times," the obvious old-timer replied in partial horror.

_Nice._ Feeling sorry for him, she considered erasing the virus that she had sent to him yesterday, but thought better of it and waved him good bye.Picturing Akito Sohma tazoring other poor, innocent people for no apparent reason wasn't that hard to imagine.

"Well, at least I won't have to stress too much tomorrow," she quietly mused to herself as she studied her nails disinterestedly.

At the bottom of the building, she was immediately greeted by a crying Kagura who ran over to her and started squeezing the oxygen out of her lungs, not to mention ruining her favorite white blouse with tear stains.

"I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER LIIIIIIIVE!!!" she wailed, refusing to let go as Tohru squirmed uncomfortably. She was pulled off from her poor, strangled lungs just as she was about to collapse by both Yuki and Shigure, each red-faced and straining on her iron-like grip.

"Good God!" Tohru gasped, hugging her stomach, "ya'll better thank Kami that I'm still alive to infect your computers, but...jeez!" Kagura was still wailing, the look on both of her restrainers somewhat alike to what Hatori's normal Akito-abused face.

After a few minutes of calming down, the small party finally began the discussion of what to do now that work was over.

"I say bowling," Yuki offered quietly, opening the door for Kagura, Shigure and Tohru.

"No! Go-cart racing!"

"Ice cream parlor!"

Tohru slightly wrinkled her nose and stuck out her bottom lip as her friends loudly quarreled. Something just wasn't right about this.

Suddenly, she dropped her black purse and dug into her pocket, pulling out her cell phone. Shigure, knowing Tohru, grinned absentmindedly.

She was defiantly up to something big.

OoOOoO

Akito had just made it to the last floor when his cell phone rang (coughblack razorcough). He scowled at the annoying, loud object, hoping that looks alone could melt, when he finally gave up and answered it, stepping out of the elevator.

"Shut up!" he barked angrily. Right as he was about to snap the darn phone shut, an annoying, chirpy voice started talking at the other end of the line.

_"Heeellooo Aki-nii-san!" _

_Tohru..._he mentally growled. "Where did you get my cell number, you stupid girl?"

_"Well, this 'stupid girl' noticed a phone number on Hatori's desk. I assumed that it was your cell number, and I was right!" _Akito took a few moments to wonder about what Hatori was doing with his number and how he got it in the first place.

"Well, don't count on this number. I'm changing it, first thing tomorrow."

_"Whatever. God, what's taking you so long? The lobby isn't THAT big. Hurry up before Kagura eats Yuki!"_

Akito widened his eyes as he snapped his head up and peered through the glass walls. Tohru, Shigure, Yuki, and Kagura stood there, peering back at him. Tohru laughed and waved, her cell still on her ear. He sucked in a breath through his teeth and snapped his cell shut, stuffing it into his back pocket.

"AAAAAKKKKKKIIIII-SSSSSAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!!!" Tohru squealed, hugging him in the same manner as Kagura had done once he had stepped foot outside, hoping to just make a wild dash for it and just go jump off a cliff or something.

_What the hell's with this girl? Doesn't she get the fact that I hate her guts? Or maybe she just has a severe case of brain damage...yeah, that's probably it. _He had just managed to pry her loose when all 3 (Yuki looked as if he was about to have a heart-attack) tackled him.

"TOHRU! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS STUPIDNESS?!" he screamed as she latched herself onto his arm.

"Hehehe. Just a little revenge before you start yours."

"By meaning?"

She nodded in an apparent sort of signal as they started dragging him away.

"Kickball."

OoOOoO

**Ok, heh, so I lied. This one was short too. I was really trying to make this one longer, but I have no clue as to when I'll have access to the laptop again!! And don't worry, there WILL be romance. BTW, thanks for the reviews on the first chapter! You guys rock! This chapter and the next will be dedicated to you! Any suggestions on their little kickball game? **


	3. bEAtEn!

**HAHAHAHAAA…**

**Yes, Yuki wears jeans to work.**

**And surprisingly, Tohru's keeping up with her paperwork! Woo Tohru! **

**If ya'll find anything wrong with the kickball game, PLEASE TELL ME! I'm the worst at sports, the first person in the world to get hit in the head with a football during a CLASS TEST. **

**Don't ask.**

OoO~OoO

Akito glared at Tohru through all of the duct tape and managed a scowl. A very hard thing to do when your mouth, arms and legs are all taped together, but a feat Akito was able to accomplish, with practice of course.

"I want Shigure on my team! The rest of you suck!" Tohru declared boldly. She had changed into a yellow baby tee and a tennis skirt. She had also recruited a few other office mates who were all eying tied-up Akito nervously.

"Ifagelt fo fiffs!" Akito screamed into his duct tape. A random squirrel, finding this amusing, hopped up on Akito's leg and peed.

"Gyaaahh! We are SO fired!" Kyo wailed, hugging his extra just-in-case-the-main-laptop-gets-run-over-by-wild-rhinos laptop. He narrowed his eyes through his thick glasses at Tohru stuck her tongue out him.

And, by all that is living, holy and crappy, a runaway rhino from a crashed plane from Africa ran over Kyo, smashing his poor laptop into a bajillion million trillion pieces.

"NUUUUU!" Kyo cried pathetically and ran home to his mommy, tripping over a very pissed off Akito in the process.

The small group was silent for a moment, mourning a lost computer's soul. Akito screamed again, disrupting the mourning moment.

"I think Akii-san wants to play too!" Tohru giggled.

"That's absolutely suicidal!" Yuki objected, scooting away from the mice that were gathering at his feet. Kagura pulled out her anti-mice spray and took care of them. "What are you going to do, let him go and then have us all fired?"

"Umm… actually, I was just going to have him sit there and rot… buuut…"

Yuki moved his hand quickly over his throat and Shigure silently protested, waving his arms furiously. One of his flailing arms caught Kagura in the jaw and she was knocked backwards.

"Whatever," Tohru fumed. "We'll never get anything done. I want Akito on my team too."

Shigure grimaced and coughed inaudible words into his hand. "coughSTUPIDcough."

"What?"

"Nothing. Yuki!"

"Kagura."

"Um… um… Babe Ruth!"

Everyone turned towards her and gaped. Next to the park they were playing in was an old cemetery containing the famous gravestone belonging to the player.

"Oh, never mind, he's dead. I want Kyo then."

Kagura looked over her shoulder and was suddenly tackled by a very happy looking Kyo. She screamed and punched him in the nose.

"Happy birthday!" he cooed, holding a bleeding nose. Kyo slowly got up as he saluted the dead baseball player.

"Idiot," someone snorted from the crowd of nerds.

Choosing players was easy enough, making way for the dreaded moment, the final obstacle.

"We've got to let the boss go sometime," Yuki sighed. Tohru grinned furiously, a little too happy to be convincing. She flexed her hands and walked towards Akito.

Meanwhile, a very angry ball of duct tape was busy trying to roll over a squirrel, shouting unprintable words. Tohru thought about filming this and sending it to JMV (Japan's funniest videos) but she turned that thought away.

"Mmft- OW! YOU STUPID-OW!" Tohru ripped the tape off of his skin with unnecessary enthusiasm as she smiled away.

Akito curled into a ball and moaned. His skin burned and so did his ego. Everyone but a very triumphant brunette was shuddering at the thought of what their boss would be like the next day.

"Ya'll git in place!" Tohru yelled in a fake country accent and nudged Akito. He glared back at her with a look that would've ripped Hades in half, but she just shrugged and ran over to join her fellow teammates.

"Ok ok, ladies and gentlemen, here's the plan. Shigure, you go-"

"I gotta go pee pee!"

Tohru sighed and rolled her eyes at Kyo. He winced and jumped in place,.

"Go pee then. But hurry up, ok? And don't fall in like last time!"

"Aye aye Captain!" Kyo tripped over his feet as he made his way to a nearby port-a-potty. Yuki watched him with a strange look of consideration.

"Let's push him over," he voiced out proudly. Tohru smiled. It wasn't a half bad idea.

"Maybe later. Anyway, I-"

"I'll play your dumb game."

Akito still looked pristine in his black turtleneck and black pants despite the fact that he was recently duct taped, peed on by a squirrel and tripped over by the company's nerdy-est nerd. His midnight hair tumbled over his eyes and neck in a way that made his look daunting and ferocious. Even Tohru squeaked and drew back.

"Um, yay."

"Oh god I fell in! Somebody help!" a far off voice yelled from a portable bathroom.

Akito ignored him and continued on. "But only if I play in the other team. I'd like to kick your worthless hide."

"Uh-oh," Kagura whispered to Shigure. He massaged his forehead, peering anxiously at a very stoic Hatori. He stood near the outskirts of the field, a first-aid kit in hand.

"Oh yeah? Good luck with that!"

OoO~OoO

Akito version of "playing" was really only to yell at his team members as they ran by and to trip them if they got an out. After the third round, they were all starting to get sick of the constant yell over the few cheers that Tohru would omit.

Her team was leading after the sixth round.

"You worthless waste of my time! You could've touched the base!" Akito screamed at Kagura, his last player to get struck out. She shook her head and walked away in misery.

Tohru glanced at the notepad on the ground, the one she was using to keep score.

7 to 6

"WE WON! OH MY GOD WE WON!" she hooted in sheer joy. Everyone else on her team either fainted or fell over due to "sustainable injuries".

"Not yet. I'll call a tie," Akito growled out from between his teeth.

"Help me!" Kyo whined, still stuck in the toilet. "Anyone?"

"Shut up!"

"You kick then," Tohru decided. "Kick or I'll call it final."

"Fine."

"Fine!"

Akito huffed and marched towards home plate, people stepping out of the way as he approached them. Two geeks were arguing about whether the bases were in the correct angle but jumped out of the way when he snapped at them.

Tohru would enjoy this.

"Ready?" She took her place in the center field and held the white ball up.

"Roll the damn ball already!"

Her arm was faster than he expected. The ball was racing towards him faster than he thought possible. No wonder everyone thought that she was so good.

His leg kicked out too early though. Although it had the ball rolling, his leg had tripped the other one, causing him to crash onto his butt.

"GO GO!" Tohru screamed, jabbing her finger towards first base.

Akito scrambled towards the base as others scrambled toward the ball, still partially on his knees and somewhat on his feet. It was a sight that had Tohru bending over in laughter before she remembered that the ball was at her feet.

"Throw it!" Shigure yelled from the base Akito was now running towards. His waving arms once again caught Kagura in the face.

"No, I've got this one."

Tohru grabbed the ball, nearly crushing it in a death grip and raced to the base. Although she was closer, Akito had longer legs. They were head to head eventually, snarling and determined.

Akito would never live this one down if she won.

Tohru would never again be able to make another virus if he won.

Tohru pushed her legs harder and raced him until she touched the base. Unfortunately, so did Akito and he crashed into her, rolling and screaming at the same time.

"Holy cow!" Shigure yelled, falling back from the couple.

Both had the decency to jump away from each other, brushing off their clothes as if they had touched something disgusting and nasty. As far as they were concerned, it was disgusting and nasty.

So how could Tohru explain the faint blush that blossomed across her cheeks?

"I dunno, it looked pretty close to me," Shigure whistled, a grin spreading across his lips. Kagura reached over and knocked his head into the ground.

"It was Tohru. Her team won."

Tohru laughed bitterly, reeling in her own giggles as Akito ran over to strangle Kagura. She wiped away tears as a well gagged Kagura went to try to go free a wailing Kyo.

"Tohru?"

"Eh?"

Akito slung an arm around her shoulders as she gaped in horror. Akito was never this close to anyone!

"I'll see you tomorrow morning in my office."

Tohru moaned in anguish as Akito cackled evilly, feeling very confident at that moment.

"Help me! I'm still stuck!"

OoO~OoO

**You know, at first I made the game as baseball before I really thought about it. But then I was all "oh crap!" and I had to change it. Sorry for the Babe Ruth thing and yes, I do know that he is not buried in Japan. **

**Or at least, I don't think he is.**

**Hm.**


End file.
